Lost in Post

Dear you,
I really have no idea if you feel the same way as I do, but I do think of you a lot.  I think about if you miss me now and then, I think about what we’d be doing now if we were still together, and I think about whether or not to think about you.  You’re in my thoughts a lot.  Mostly because you’ve changed my life.  I don’t hate you, I just couldn’t handle you anymore.  It was time to pass you on, in  sense.  You made me who I am today and let me discover myself and what I was capable of.  I’m sorry, so sorry, if I hurt you but if was for both of our benefits.  It would’ve been no good continuing the way we were - bickering every other day, hiding what we mean and showing what we don’t, lying to try and heal this wound, the secrecy of the feelings we felt when we were with other people.  Rebellion!  I wanted it so bad, but you wouldn’t let me go!  So I had to let you go.  I’ve got this intricate mind, that really controls me.  My mind and me are two different people, responding to the same name.  When you asked me why I did it, I said I didn’t know.  I was serious, I didn’t know.  I didn’t know.  But my mind did.  I just seem to keep repeating myself, thank you but sorry, thank you but sorry, thank you but sorry.  Thank you for sharing God with me, I think of him and often pray to him and confide in him.  But I’m sorry that I left without saying thank you.  I know we’ll make it.  Perhaps someone will come around like you did to me and make you open your eyes to this big world!  I know that if you ever read this, you’d think we’d be able to get back together and pick things up where they left off.  No, this is not the case.  It’s impossible for me to do so.  My efforts would be wasted.  I’ve moved on and I’m hoping you did the same. …Please do the same.  There are other people in my thoughts now.  You no longer cause me sorrow, but when thinking of these people so close to me now, I do experience great sorrow.  Now that I think about it, maybe I do know why I left.  It might’ve been because you laughed in my face when I admitted what I wanted in life or how you never came to terms with the fact that we’d never be together forever, or perhaps the phscotic behavior you seemed to develop towards the end, and even maybe because of your constant need for attention and to bask in its glory as the one who has grasped it until it’s taken away from you and you turn into a monster.  A monster which I do not know.  Anyways, to sum this whole nag session up, I’m glad this is an e-mail because it would’ve taken ages to write this down, stroke by stroke.  Don’t you love my beautiful words?
From Me.

Dear that one guy I hooked up with that one time, no no, make that those three times. I know you’re sleeping with other people and I know I meant nothing. But please please keep hooking up with me. I care nothing for you, there’s that other guy I’m gonna chase until the end of college. But I need the little moments because I crave male attention and I went the furthest with you, with no regrets. I was happy to be used. I still feel happy about it. And to pull somebody as hot as you has boosted my convidence to no end. You have done wonders for me, I don’t understand how you could change me so much but mean so little to me. I chased and chased my head to see if I liked you but to me your just a hot guy. But I need our random nights together. Love me, one of many girls you pulled over the last few weeks. x

Dear Andrew,
Since you said you would always love me,
I never thought the day would come when you’d turn around and tell me you were over me.
You broke my heart several times. I’ll never be the same again.
The moment I fell for you everything changed. And when everything else falls apart in my life, you let us fall apart too.
You went away, and you’re happy now. In a way it’s like you absorbed any happiness I had.
It’s kind of ironic, considering you were the one who made me happy.
Which in a way means you made yourself happy.
How I feel for you, is more than I could feel for anyone else, or have ever.
I don’t know how to cope with heartbreak, especially when I don’t even want to get over you.
Now you think that if you stop talking to me for awhile, everything will just get better.
You should know, that never works. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
That doesn’t apply to you does it? You just forgot about me.
I read an old email, from when I was telling someone about you.
It had a part of an MSN conversation on it.
The day you told me you still loved me, and wanted to make it work, but couldn’t.
That doesn’t seem that long ago.
I bet you could pin point the moment you got over me.
Did I change or did you?
There has to be a reason that you did the same to me, as everyone else does.
You can say there’s nothing wrong with me, but this can’t be a coincidence.
It’s funny how, at the time I need you most, you’re not here anymore.
You probably never think about me, you’re wound up in your own life.
But if you do I hope you have the heart to worry about me, to care.
Because if you don’t care, I’ll never believe that anyone ever did.
I don’t know how I fell so far in love.
I want to know, when you said you’ve only ever loved 3 people, was I really one of them?
You’re so close, closer then ever before, and you refused to see me.
I never thought it would be because you were over me.
I hoped it was because you didn’t want to fall for me, for my own, and Landon’s sake.
I was so wrong, as per normal.
I led myself into thinking it’d work out, and we’d end up together.
I knew it was stupid all along, but I feel twice as stupid now.
Thanks for making me believe in us.
I’ll always remember summer, you made me so happy, I should focus on that.
I’m sorry I don’t have the confidence to tell you this.
As much as I want you to feel guilty, I just couldn’t stand seeing you hurt.
Love, more than you could ever understand,
Sophie.

Dear PB,

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not supposed to be this way. I am not the girl this ordeal is turning me into. I am strong. I am independent. I do not need you to help me feel self-worth.
So why can I not stop thinking of you? Why is it, whenever I’m feeling upset or stupid or worthless, I think of being with you? I’m growing a dependency on the fantasy of being associated with you.
I miss your witty comments, your laugh, your sarcasm. I wish you even remotely felt this way about me. I remember this past summer when people asked me if I liked you, and I responded “as a friend.”
Did you send them? Sometimes, when I’m having a really bad day, it makes me feel better to think that you did. I thought they were prying, at the time. I didn’t want to deal with the burden of vulnerabilty, of “liking someone.”
We got so close then, as friends. I remember having a conversation on the couch so intense, that we spent the entire time with our eyes fixated on each others eyes. And I miss your eyes.
I remember how, after 4 months of not seeing one another, that initial excitement of talking again. I had forgotten how close we had become- to me, you were an impossible fantasy, and the idea that you were excited about seeing me as well boggled my mind. The smile, the conversation, the constant volleying of sarcasm across the table. I felt comfortable simply being myself. I felt safe.
I tried looking you in the eye again, but it didn’t work. I was attempting to maintain eye contact, but then you suddenly stopped talking.
“What?” you said
“What what?”
“What was that look?”
I remember the dread as I scrambled to concoct an excuse, but somehow wished you knew the truth.

My friends make fun of me. They don’t know me as this person. They know me as the uninhibited, strong, feminist girl who doesn’t take crap. Now they’re seeing this vulnerable lovesick puppy who can barely think straight.
I think you have a girlfriend now, anyways.
Oh well.
Withdrawl starts…now.

Dear Mom,
I love you. really, i do.
But, when is it ever going to be enough? I try so hard to make you happy. I know you don’t think i’m trying, or that I don’t care. But the truth is: I do. I want you to be proud of me for once. Why did you think i ever went to those meets and practices, anyway? It wasn’t for me: I was content. It was for you. I wanted you to be happy with me. but you weren’t.
And, Yeah, i know i’m not the most talkative person there is. But just because i don’t have a meaningless conversations, doesn’t mean i’m suicidal! Just because i like to listen to a certain kind of music Or wear certain types of clothes, Doesn’t mean i slit my wrist! I’m usually happy. But you don’t see that. Because you’re the one who usually brings me down.
But here the thing, I’ve got friends who don’t care what  i wear, what i listen to, or how i act. They’re the reason i get up in the morning.
I’m tired of trying to make you happy.
I still love you though.
Even when you think i don’t, i do.
I’m not giving up, i still want you to be proud.
But from now on, I’m just doing it for “Shits and giggles”

Love, Me.

Dear friend.
I wish we could be like we used to be. I know a lot has changed over the past two years and I know we’re still friends, but we’re not best friends like we were. Remember that summer? We went out everyday and talked about anything and everything. There were no secrets, I knew everything about you, you knew everything about me.
This whole ”growing apart” thing is probably mostly my fault, its not like I don’t trust you because I do, its just hard for me to say exactly how I feel and spill my guts to someone, even someone I have my total trust in. You may not know it but you are still my best friend and you probably know the most about me than anyone does.
I actually can’t wait until your in the same school as me in September. I want us to be super close again.
love me.

Dear Highschool Love, The only reason I’m doing this is because I know that you won’t ever see it. But I have to say this to someone somewhere so it can’t hurt me anymore. I really like you. And everything you say to me negatively effects me negatively. You always wear ‘To Write Love On Her Arms’ shirts. Bet you didn’t know that I cut myself because of you. I finally got up the nerve to tell you that. And guess what? You didn’t judge me. Thats probably the biggest burden I’ve gotten off my chest in a while now. I need someone to save me from myself. And I honestly believe that you can do it. I’m really afraid to tell you that I like you though because of something that happend a while back with a different guy. I’m afraid of rejection. And I am not a pretty girl. So what do you say, maybe you’ll be the one that saves me? Everything Affects Everything.
-Kait.

Dear,   I know I told you I was over it, but I’m not. I’m happy for you and your girlfriend. She’s so nice and one of my good friends, and she doesn’t know how much I used to like you. I just wish I could talk to you without feeling like I’m intruding. I know we haven’t really been friends, but I think you’d understand me almost as well as I can understand myself. Sometimes I get upset thinking about it, because we had four years to talk and four years to get to know each other and it was all wasted. This year has been my favorite year of my life, and it’s largely due to you. Thanks for listening during the fall and thanks for understanding, even though I don’t think you’ve realized it yet. You’ll always be one of my favorite memories, M.   Sorry I can’t say this to you quite yet, but I hope you’ll be able to understand it someday.   Love